Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express!
Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives
they were given by him upstairs
and kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
What sounds on earth could ever replace
kids needing money or wives in your face?
Cos this, people reckon, and me included,
is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented
to calm us all down and stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes.
You shit on our heads, but you pay the taxes.
Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers
who'd come on your face for the price of a beer.
Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now!
FRANK LAUGHS
Scatter.
Party!
(Frank) Now, most decisions are half-arsed,
you know, like not drinking during the week or showering every day,
because you know, deep down, you're not going to go through with it.
But when a real decision is made, you can feel something different-
neurons forming, synapses firing, brain chemistry kicking in.
Reality just needs to catch up with the mind that you've already made up.
Never a strong point, making me mind up.
Till now.
(TV).. But they can't keep possession. Lot of defending still to do, though.
He's away from the defender now...
They've gone on to score here!
CHEERING ON TV
- Nice one, Gandalf. - (Debbie) Who's Gandalf?
A 35-year-old business consultant from London.
Danny set it up so Liam could talk to anybody online.
- Liam, bed. - In a minute, Debs.
BANGING AT DOOR, RAISED VOICES
(Man) Come on! Come on, Tracy!
- What's going on? - (Norma) What are you doing?
Who the fuck are you?
This is our house.
- Is it fuck! - You've just kicked our door in!
Our door. The council must have give us the wrong key.
Wrong fuckin' house, you twat!
Tracy?
- What's it say? - It says we don't fuckin' live here.
Jimmy, Alex, start unpacking.
I don't fuckin' think so.
Did you see that little shit swing that punch? I think I chipped my tooth.
- (Ian) Where were you? - Violence doesn't solve anything.
I'll call in a favour with the boys at the station,
get them kicked out first thing tomorrow.
You should see the other girl. She tried to tongue-fu me.
Now the dirty bitch is shopping online for a new fucking chin.
Don't you worry, Mum.
I give up, son.
Even if I do go out, what the fuck have I got to go back to?
A fucking Irish slaphead smack addict? I'd rather stay here.
Don't say that, Mum. What are you talking about?
- What we doing here? - Wait...
- What do you reckon? - Bit old.
I know, but she's fucking gagging for it. What are you doing?
- Trying to find one you haven't licked. - I only get 'em for the ketchup.
All right, Huey?
All right, Lorna? How's it going? This is Ches.
< Hiya.
Maybe see you later, then.
Both of you.
What the fuck was that? HE CHUCKLES
Joe's pressed charges against Mum for the assault.
Let's go down the hospital... and we kill him.
- Cap-cap the fuckin'... - Oi, Chuckle Brothers.
- Be realistic. - We are.
Total Tony Soprano.
Mi casa, su casa.
What, my home is your home?
What?
I'm gonna turn myself in right now.
Oh!
Sucker punch me, why don't you, fucking Westlife?
What the fuck do you mean, Westlife?
I meant it as a compliment. Inoffensive, unthreatening, safe.
- Just fuck off. - Yeah.
Look, I don't care how long I get. I'll do it to spite the bastard.
(Mandy) Jamie, wait.
I'll go see him.
- No, you fucking won't. - Do I look like I want to?
I'll go tomorrow.
Hiya, guys. You all right? Come on, then, Dougie.
Let's see if you've been practising your exercises.
HE EXHALES DEEPLY
Oh!
LAUGHTER
Never mind, love.
Got as far as the door this time.
We'll clean you up.
- What's going on? - What do you think's going on?
What about her old man?
He's on the taxi shift till five every morning.
- You're not still a virgin, are you? - Fuck off!
Fucking classic!
Your first shag's a MILF.
Oh, shit! Stewart, get the Fairy Liquid.
KNOCK AT DOOR
You sure this is all right?
Wouldn't have asked you round if it wasn't.
You've got nice eyes.
I've got a condom in my wallet.
No, love. Latex sends me into anaphylactic shock.
It's all right. I'm on the pill.
Can you hear that?
What?
Sounds like a kind of pulse beating or something. Can't you hear it?
Am I plucking your cherry, Chesney?
No!
I've done it loads of times with...
HE SIGHS Yeah.
You want my advice?
Go like the clappers, like you've got five seconds left to live.
HE SIGHS
RHYTHMIC BANGING
MOANING
GRUNTING AND MOANING
THEY PANT
Duck...to...water.
I could go again.
No, no, love. That were great.
Just the job. Oh...
- It's a fucking shithole, any road. - Yeah, well, it's our shithole.
Mum could get five years.
Take a seat.
Mmm...
- Get back with me. - What?
Get back with me and I'll drop the charges.
- Gallant, innit? - It's over.
- It's not. - You're being a prick!
Look me in the eye and tell me you don't love me.
And I love you too.
So sleep on it.
(Woman) So fuckin' sorry about this mix-up. Epic error.
Basically, no rent's been registered on this place for six years,
so the council just presumed it was empty.
Then that, plus all the benefits you claim, well,
the left hand had no idea what the right hand was doing.
So I'm just like, "Josie, you've got to go round and apologise."
So here I am. So where's your mum?
- Work. - Holiday.
She...got a mobile?
Yeah. It's 09...2...
9...
Mum went AWOL about three months ago. We don't know where she is.
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's been really difficult, especially for little Liam and Carl.
- Who looks after the kids? - (Ian) I do.
Well, we all help, but mainly me.
- How old are you, sweetheart? - (Debbie) I'm nearly 17.
But since Mum's gone, Dad has been brilliant.
For the last time, Debbie, you keep your pisshead of a father out of my shop!
I'm sick of finding him looking at porn and drinking Baileys.
Malibu.
- Who's this? - (All) Social.
Ooooh! Oogie-boogie-boogie!
Fucking chitty-bangin', child-catchin'...
come and get your ice lollies, kiddie-winks!
How long you been married?
Probably about as long as you've been alive.
Why do you do it?
What sort of question's that?
I dunno.
I do it cos it makes me feel wanted.
- That enough for you? - Sounds fake.
You're smarter than the other kids, you know that?
What do you want to do with your life?
Probably...drive a cab or something.
No. You've got your whole life to screw up before that.
No, I see you more as...
a lawyer or something.
Or a porn star.
I love my husband,
and I like sex.
That's all there is to this.
Right?
JAUNTY MUSIC
You know, I'm dead embarrassed about the way you saw me yesterday.
Must have had some...dodgy vol-au-vents or something the night before and...
I think I understand, Frank.
Oh, good. So we're on the same page?
Mmm.
Fried egg?
- How's it going? - Fine. You?
There somewhere you can go for a drink round here?
I know what it's like.
- Do you? - Yeah, I do.
I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth.
And my oldest's just gone to uni.
You don't look a day over 30.
Well, I'm 33. You do the maths.
I joined the Social to help families, not split 'em up.
And this is a good family, I can tell.
Liam's great, and Stella's healthy.
I mean, the assessment isn't going to be glowing, but it'll be all right.
Nothing to worry about.
And you've obviously coped fucking brilliantly since your mum left.
First time she left, I was ten years old and terrified.
The second time, I was over the moon.
She should be in prison for crimes against maternity.
Well, the good news is, you're entitled to a bit more cash,
cos of single-parent circumstances, so I'll drop some forms in.
And we're gonna get Stella into day-care and sort the house out a bit.
But the most important thing of all is to help you get a life.
- I've got a life. - Have you got a fella?
Right...
Next time I come round, if you haven't got at least three fellas on the go,
then I really am gonna interfere!
But don't get knocked up, cos then you're fucked.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
Hey, Mandy. Hello, love.
I just thought you should know...
I've been debating whether to tell you, but I don't know if I should.
It's about me and Karen.
Wait, is that...?
Oh, shit, sorry, Karen.
I meant to call Mandy.
Give Mandy a nudge in the right direction.
Use your smart...
Jamie!
..I fucking knew it!
- What's happened? - He said he'll drop the charges...
..if I get back with him.
OK, that's it.
Jamie! There's a simple option.
- What? - Do as he says.
Give it a couple of days. Act like I'm thinking about it. Take it slow.
Say I want him to get therapy. Make it convincing.
He drops the charges, Mum gets out...and then I'll leave him.
And you think he won't see that coming?
I don't think she'll have trouble being convincing.
That came out wrong.
No, it came out right. You won't dump him.
You think him holding me mum over a barrel makes me want him back?
Makes him more attractive?
- We're just worried for you, Mand. - Well, it's insulting.
Give me some respect. This is the only way...
short of another Maguire going to jail. OK?
Two shots.
You fucking wanker.
(Man) Two beers, please, love.
MACHINE-GUN FIRE
- That's £5, please. - Ta.
Karen's doing my head in. Everyone is.
All giving me this fuckin' look.
What look?
The one you're doing right now.
I've already dumped him.
It's just gonna be a repeat performance.
Where are you two off to, then?
Social officially asked me to get Debbie laid.
Max!
- You should come, Mand. - She's keeping me company.
- Suit yourselves. - Back late.
I've already made me decision, Ian.
Can we please just change the subject?
- What's wrong, Ches? - I can't.
Why?
- I saw you with your husband. - So?
What...? Where are you going?
I can't do this.
It's too fuckin' weird.
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
Hey, I gave you 20.
- You gave me a tenner. - No, no, no. I definitely gave you 20,
because I only took 20s out, didn't I, Debs?
Bearing in mind it comes out of my pocket if the till's down,
and my wage is the only money that comes into the house,
and I've got me mam and baby sister to look after...pressure's on you.
Was it a 20, Debs?
Thought not.
Cheers...mate(!)
Fair compromise?
Do you really have to look after your mum and little sister?
All's fair in love and war.
And scamming. Right?
DOOR OPENS
Hey! You're up.
Made you coffee, and a tea.
Wasn't sure which you preferred.
You got class today?
Class?
Yeah. English.
Oh. You're not a student, are you?
I'm Mark.
No, I remember your name.
Just not how I got here.
Good night, love?
Apparently.
If you're walking like a cowboy, see him again.
- (Ian) Get out of the car now! - (Carl) Liam, get out of the car.
Liam! Get out of the car! They're taking him!
(Carl) Liam, get out of the car! Liam! Liam!
- (Ian) Get out of the car now! - Liam?
- Liam! Liam! Get out now! - Liam!
- (Carl) Get out of the car now! - Liam! Liam, get out!
Get out! Get out!
Liam!
- Get off! - Liam!
- Where the fuck were you? - I told you I was going out!
You didn't say you were staying out!
Fucking Josie came to drop off forms,
heard Stella crying, Dad were passed out on the floor
and Liam was holding the baby. None of us were here.
You two were in charge!
Don't blame me! When I left this morning, Carl was here!
You should have rang.
- I lost my phone. - That's not my fault!
Tragedy.
Words cannot express...
Oh, I see where this is going.
Well, it sounds to me like you were out getting laid,
you scuttled off back to your palace and you're just a dopey bastard.
Where've you been for the last 25 years?
- This would never have happened before! - What does that mean?
It means that Fiona would have kept it together!
You're a cunt.
You lied!
Come on, Debbie, let's go somewhere else.
Where? To the pub, like mates?
Go out and have fun, you said! Why?
So you could take my brother and sister? Why do you even bother?
Telling me about your son going to uni.
Have you even got a son?
Don't you dare.
I trusted you.
GIRL GIGGLES
Debbie?
Oh...she's just a mate.
Are you OK?
Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm sorry. I don't know why I came.
Debbie...wait.
No, really.
My mistake.
Sometimes sex is just sex.
What's going on?
Chesney's seeing this girl who's shagging every bloke left, right and centre.
Don't take it to heart. You should be out there doing the same.
- I really liked her. - You still like her?
Yeah. But she's messed up.
Here's a secret, Ches.
You don't have to love somebody to shag 'em.
In fact...
(sometimes it's better.)
KNOCK AT DOOR
Ches!
I'm sorry about last night.
I'm fine with it. I don't get why you do it. I don't mind.
Can we carry on?
- No! - Come on, I'm ready.
It's like this all day.
MACHINE-GUN FIRE
Look, I...I'm sorry, love. I'll come back later.
He knows? This is fucking bizarre. You're a freak.
You're young, so let me give you some advice.
Don't judge people!
DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS
She's gone to see him?
What do you reckon?
I reckon the women in the family are braver men than I am.
- What are you talking about? - I should have just turned myself in.
I should never even have let Mandy go back and see him.
I'm glad you didn't.
Kazza, same again.
- You've had enough, Frank. - I haven't started yet.
Go home to your kids, Frank.
I'm not serving you.
HE BLOWS RASPBERRY
OK...
- Off! - Frank!
- She's told you more than once. - Get thee behind me, Satan!
She won't serve me?
Where is it?
When did she get so choosy?
Fucking WAG wannabe.
Gangster's moll. He's not much of a fucking gangster, is he?
Jumped-up Michael Flatulence Lord of the Ring beast, diddly-dee.
Take me dignity.
Take it now. Take it. Take me kids.
Bastards. Take me fuckin' kidneys an' all, go on.
Yeah! Arrgh!
Two for one this week!
I have always been right fucking there for my kids.
What about me, eh?
What I've been through...
What's left?
They've all gone. So...
What is left...for me?
Right, OK. They can keep Liam and Stella in custody for three days.
Then if they get a court order, they can keep 'em for another eight.
Can we see 'em?
Supervised. But they can't call. I mean, Liam can't.
And we can't call him.
Bastards. KNOCK ON DOOR
It was my worst nightmare to be taken away.
Liam's strong. He'll be all right.
- What, is this her? - I just came to say sorry.
Oh, how cute(!) Now she wants to say sorry.
Why don't you fuck off and ease your conscience somewhere else?
We take it slow.
You get therapy.
You stay in here.
Come here.
Give us a kiss.
Even if you're going through with this for effect,
just to get me to drop the charges...
it's OK.
All I want is another chance.
I'm sorry.
GIRLS ALOUD PLAYS ON TV
Mmm! Yes, mate. Girls Aloud.
I could fucking do them all over. Which one do you like most?
Hmm? Oh, er...the...
the first song.
Not song. Which girl, you dick! You sound like a proper poof sometimes.
Shut up! You used to wank over Hanson before you found out they were blokes.
- Shut the fuck up about that. - He did! Didn't he? Didn't he?
Jesus! >
How did it go?
Uh-oh.
I'm gonna give him another go, for real.
When did everything get so fucking fucked?
- Can we do this somewhere else? - No, because then everybody
won't be able to see how fucking stupid you're being.
- Will you stop humiliating me? - Toilets, now.
How fucking dare you? You think this is easy for me?
- No, I just think you lied to us. - (Jamie) Cool it, Micky.
- You punched a hole in his head. - That's a point well made.
I want no midnight visits, no brotherly protection.
If you do anything, then me and Katie leave. You got that?
You got that?
You're an idiot, and so are you, and you.
All the people who should be together are breaking up,
and all the people who should be tied to fucking radiators to be kept apart
- are getting together! - What have I done?
Karen blatantly wants you back, and if you had half a bollock,
you'd have leapt over that bar and fucking claimed her.
- When I need moral advice from you... - Don't take it, then.
Let your marriage go down the shitter if that's what you want.
But remember to tell your face you're strong, silent,
and happy to lose the only woman who's ever or ever will love you.
- Going too far. - Not far enough!
And Mandy...
you get back with that cancerous turd,
and I'll be the one fuckin' leaving.
Too many Smarties before lunchtime.
Takes after his mother.
I didn't go there to give in, take him back.
I need a mate, Karen.
And I'm here.
Get yourself sorted, come back down, yeah?
God...these black circles.
I look like a panda.
PHONE BEEPS
What you doing?
You're my wife. I'm tired of being away from you.
I'm gonna fuck your brains out right now.
(Man) Go on, son!
Does everyone have to watch?
TOILET FLUSHES
Where the fuck...?
Hello?
Is anybody there?
Hello?
How the hell did...?
Hello?
Who are you? Where are you taking me?
Outside.
I call the police.
I'm not...going anywhere!
Oh! Oh, right! This is how it works, does it?
A human being seeks sanctuary and you pummel him.
You put me outside
and my next move is the bottom of the canal, mate, I swear to God.
I just...need...someone...to talk to.
Lorna.
You're not allergic to latex.
Cos if you were, you wouldn't have wore those washing-up gloves,
which means you're not allergic to condoms.
You want a baby and Reggie can't.
You got all that from washing-up gloves? I said you were smart.
Doesn't he mind?
- He wants one, too. - What about IVF or something?
We tried. You get one free pop and then it's 16 grand a go.
- Or adopt. - Don't you think we tried?
- Been on the list for years. - Why us lot?
- Cos none of you lot would hang around. - I might.
I'm sorry I said what I said.
Thank you.
Ches, do us a favour. Tell your mates not to come round any more.
- Why? - I'm pregnant.
- Wait! Whose is it? - It's mine!
LORNA LAUGHS
HE STAMPS ON FLOOR
What's that smell?
You puke on your shirt.
FRANK MUMBLES
What? You think I want to make love to you?
I don't want to make love to you.
FRANK SNORTS Sod it.
A cock in the mouth would be the perfect nightcap
to this fuck-awful day.
FRANK SIGHS Got anything to drink?
What? You think just because I am Polish, I drink?
I work.
FRANK LAUGHS
Na zdrowie.
Yeah. Up your kilt!
DOOR OPENS
How are you?
Things are good, Joe.
Mandy's given you another chance.
Me and Jamie are back together.
Stop this.
What are you gonna do?
Are you gonna kill me?
Is there a gun in your handbag?
I just did Mandy in this bed.
Do you too, complete the set...
like old times.
(Jamie) How's your head?
Hey...
I don't know how you do it.
You beat her up,
and she still wants to come back to you.
But you're getting a second chance, so you count yourself
the luckiest man alive...
for now.
Because if my sister so much as stubs a toe
in your presence, I'll cut off your head.
I'll film it,
I'll stick it on YouTube,
and I will hop, skip and jump into prison.
- What are you two doing here? - Came to give him something.
(Shane's pissed on 'em.)
Did I miss a meeting?
(Micky) What are you doing here?
I came to scare the bastard. PADDY COCKS SHOTGUN
(Jamie) It's dealt with, Dad.
Hello, boys.
Quadri-hydrate. Untraceable.
Just let me stick it in the bastard! You...
What's the fucking point? Take a deep breath.
No, I've got it.
Come on. Let's go get a pizza.
You tell or threaten to tell that lot
about what happened, I'll just tell them you've been hitting Mandy,
even if you haven't. Get it?
That 40 grand you lent me...
Mine.
Right?
Aw!
Welcome back to the family.
I'll just go and tell the nurse you've just soiled yourself.
Oh, God!
And I have big feelings, and I am articulate about them.
It's like there is a stalactite
that hangs hard and cold from my heart
to the pit of my stomach and I am cold inside, Frank.
Oh, stop fucking moaning, will you?
You're lonely, I'm lonely, we're all fucking lonely!
Frank, you don't know what real loneliness is.
Oh, I don't?
Today...
the Social took my kids away!
And some random security guard is the only person in this whole world
I've got to talk to about it.
Well, I would have, if I could get a fucking word in edgeways!
They took your children?
Why?
Can you get them back?
FRANK SCOFFS
What am I gonna do?
Sober up?
Roll over and play Dad?
I haven't got the fucking...
will.
You live with your children?!
Then you don't know what loneliness is.
I would give anything to have what you have, Frank!
Well, what do I have?
HE SPEAKS POLISH
Well, what does that mean?
It doesn't mean, "I love you," does it? Where are you going?
For a shit.
OK.
- It's all my fault. - Oh, bollocks!
I went out, had a good time, and now they're gone.
And the worst thing is, is when I realised that they were gone...
a part of me... DEBBIE SNIVELS
..part of me was glad that I didn't have to take care of 'em.
DEBBIE SOBS Now Liam can't even call us.
He can't even call me to say how scared he must be.
Stella has no idea where she is...
Debbie, I'm going in for a hug and I don't care what you say.
DEBBIE SOBS
One thing, though - if she was only doing it to get pregnant,
why did she give Dougie a blow job?
She let me do her up the arse once.
Don't judge, Huey.
- (Chesney) Debbie, get up here! - Ches, one minute.
It's Liam!
(Yvonne) It's Liam?!
Liam?
Liam? Are you OK?
He's OK. Where are you?
He's in Stockport.
Oh, Liam, we miss you so much.
Oh, look, everyone's here. Say hi!
- Liam! - All right, Liam!
Don't look at me like that.
At least now you've all got a sporting chance.
Not that you need it.
You all turned out just...
..stunning.
I always thought that you can't be mine.
But then, you can't be your mam's either.
And you're all leaving.
Fiona, Lip...
When the fuck do they come to visit? And before you know it...
..Ian, Carl...
Debbie...
And then what have I got?
You're my life's work.
My Sistine Chapel.
You might be better off without me,
but I'm fucked without you.
(Frank) And there it was. That feeling.
Neurones forming, synapses firing, brain chemistry kicking in.
A decision being made like fucking granite.
Stella!
Liam!
Stelliam!
BUTTONS CLICK
Oh, sh...!
Norma, please! It's six in the morning.
Just one more go.
Fucking fascists.